Field of Science

TMI Friday: Vacuum Cleaners Suck


When you look at a vacuum cleaner, what do you see ? A tool perhaps, to help you deal with the crisps trodden into the carpet from a party the night before. A way to keep armies of dust from taking over your house and to frighten your pet dog. 
But there are some people (Who am I kidding, It's men.) who look at vacuum cleaners in a different way. Who observe the coquettish expression on a Henry vacuum cleaner and contemplate a universe of intimacy. Not much is known about these people. Are they a real sub-culture ? Do they compare notes on Rule 34 ?
What we do know is that these individuals tend to end up in an emergency room, crossing their legs out of embarrassment and to stem the flow of blood.
Dr Ralph Benson, in his article "Vacuum Cleaner Injury: A Common Urologic Problem ?", he examines  five cases where men had attempted intimacy with these household implements... and suffered the consequences.  All of these cases occurred when  men attempted to use vacuum cleaners as masturbatory aids. I don't want to get into the details of the injuries, but the words "laceration" and "penis" should give you an idea of what happened. If you don't know what the terms "avulsion" and "degloving" mean, then don't worry, the paper comes with helpful photographs. Why not download the paper and look at them ?
Dr Benson notes in the paper that the cases he describes are not isolated incidents. Reports of vacuum cleaner injury go right back to the 1960's. But the interesting thing that Dr Benson notes is that even though he lived in a relatively small town,  he encountered a cluster of these vacuum cleaner cases. In the absence of a tangible connection between these people, he came to a somewhat incredible conclusion. 
His conclusion was that this was not an isolated cluster of vacuum abusers. Instead , he suggests that vacuum cleaner abuse may be far more common than is generally recognised. He notes that often, people will lie about the causes for the injury, and will only reveal the truth if the doctor subjects them to more intense questioning. He proposes that in busier emergency rooms, medics don't have the time or the inclination to probe into these lies, and just get on with repairing the injury.
Nevertheless, there is an important lesson in here, that I never would have thought needed to be iterated, but nonetheless here it is- Do not stick any part of your body into a hole that contains whirling blades.

C. Benson R. (1985). Vacuum cleaner injury to penis: A common urologic problem?, Urology, 25 (1) 41-44. DOI:

3 comments:

  1. A Common Urologic Problem ?", best canister vacuum cleaners he examines five cases where men had attempted intimacy with these household implements... and suffered the consequences.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yeah I agree with Elizabeth, this has almost nothing to do with common injuries and even less with best canister vacuum cleaners .

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well that is the main assumption of the article. The main surgeon happened to see five cases of people sticking members in sockets, and based on the fact that it was a small town, decided that he wasn't looking at an isolated cluster of cases, but that he was looking at a nationwide trend. I thought I made that clear ?

    It seems quite weird how you all seem to be going on about how this isn't related to "best canister vacuum cleaners". I mean, yes, that is fairly obvious from the design of the things. But it's just weird how you both seem to be promoting "best canister vacuum cleaners" as a safer masturbation aid. I know it's the 21st century, but the day I see a Henry in an Ann Summers shop is the day I give up on humanity.

    Wait, are you guys getting paid every time you mention best canister vacuum cleaners ? It is just a very strange turn of phrase.
    best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners best canister vacuum cleaners .

    There. Send me a dollar.

    ReplyDelete

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