The Ten things I can do now I have a PhD

Ten Things I can now do with a PhD

1. I can introduce myself as the "lu-uurve" doctor to members of the opposite gender.
2. I can finally publish a book about the "Lint" diet , and have it fester on bookshelves around the country as its devotees staunchly defend it even as they succumb to rickets, scurvy and starvation.
3. I can start an advice column, in which I couch my advice in impenetrable jargon to conceal its vacuity.
4. I can drop my PhD into conversations, knowing that it makes me knowledgeable on all subjects, as opposed to the one I actually specialised in.
5. I can now end any argument by taking a tally of people in the room with PhDs, and those without, and then cement my victory by blowing raspberry lasting not less than 3 minutes.
6. I can buy a pair of glasses for the sole purpose of peering over them when talking to people. And occasionally ripping them off dramatically to let everyone know that shit just got real.
7. Whenever someone utters the words "Doctor Who?", I can shout my own name really loudly and pointing at myself. Raucous applause will no doubt follow.
8. I can now defuse "Doctor Doctor" jokes by simply saying "Yes, what is it?". This will always be funnier than the actual joke.
9. I can line up the photos from my BSc, MSc and PhD graduations, put attack statistics under them and pretend that I am a extremely rare and esoteric pokemon, and that these were my evolutions.
10. I can don a cape and mask to begin a career in super-villainy. It's the profession with the best hiring prospects in this economy.